iamgilmour

FIFTY SHADES OF MARY RASH

THE WOMEN

                                               BY LEE GILMOUR

The women, for she had no name, or no name which she would ever speak aloud again pressed her face into the pillow. Her tears trickled down the sides of her swollen cheeks, forming a salty pool around her head causing the bandages to cling to her flesh, itching the healing wounds beneath.

“What happens,” she said to the darkness itself “when we don’t need a shoulder to cry on ….what happens when we just need someone’s arms.”

She never got her answer, the room remained cold and still, the wind howling, rattling the pane of glass. she rolled over, feeling the empty space where her husband had once slept, feeling the sunken spring of the mattress and wishing more than all the the riches in the world that he was here, to kiss her and to tell her it would all be ok. But he was gone. He would never be coming back. And she knew, deep down that she had to keep going, it would be too easy to just give up now, to let go of all that bound her, and go on to the next place, if there was even a “NEXT” place. For all she knew it was nothing, a void, a dark land of eternal suffering. She knew he would want her to stay strong. He was her life but she was here, still breathing, still fighting, barely hanging on by a thread, but still a tiny bit of hope remained.

She rolled over and glared up at the dark ceiling, watching as shards of yellow moonlight moving across the wall she hummed a small tune and began to say words to herself, without any concious effort.

“Come here and help me count the sheep again.

What’s the point of trying to dream any more?

I hear you keep saying the same things over and over and over

Ever wonder who you keep saying them for?”

she wondered in that moment if she would ever love again, it was impossible, who could love her now she was a monster, she supposed it would have been easier just to die with her husband instead of being left like this, disfigured, her face would never really heal, and then she thought…. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am, not what they think I have been, but what I can be.”

She closed her eyes and in the place between this world and dreams her husbands voice whispered to her….three little words, that to us all would one day make sense “Life goes on.”

Night time child poem

Sleep little angel of death 
let the darkness claim you
weep those tears onto the pillow
where no one can blame you
Smile little one, let the world warm to your lies
hide behind the sadness, of those Un-restful eyes

LET ME GUIDE YOU HOME:

by Lee Gilmour

Fragile is all the breaking hearts
who trail the storm together
Through thick and thin
and hopeless nights
We guide there lights forever
in strangers arms
a hand can sooth
our worries and our sorrows
and in our dreams 
we hope to see our loved ones smiles
tomorrow’s 
Yet days may past and darkness quench the strength we may have taken
but just because a tear may fall, does not mean we are forsaken 
so help them out, and guide them home to the place they are together
in dreams they dance, and laughter fills
a restful place forever.

CHAPTER SEVEN

7

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

She held the camera close to his face, leaving an imprint of sweat and saliva down the screen.

Gadz ya clatty cunt,” she said, whacking him off the side of the face with her free hand.

Now how the fuck do you work this thing,” she fiddled with the settings increasing the lighting, and contrast so that through the lens the entire bed was clear and bright. She smiled to herself and pressed record holding it to her face.

Hello world. You have no doubt seen that video of me already so I thought that it was time that girls got there revenge on utter wankers who take advantage of them and think they can just get away with it aint that right shit head” she turned the phone around so the random was shown, he struggled with the cuffs

This bitch is aff her fucking heed let me go!”

Mary slapped him across the face again and turned the camera back to herself.

This is the crap we put up with girls, why do we not fight back. Well I am sick to the back teeth with it. You all know he put a video of me up on Facebook, so what’s the best way to get my own back but to make his life a misery just like he made mine.”

She got off the bed, making sure she dug her elbows down into his bare chest so he groaned out in pain.

We got to get the perfect shot, like that cunt Steven Spilberg who makes them films.” She sat the phone on the chest of drawers, balanced up by a tube of vagisil cream or as Mary called it the fanny-itch-lotion, she felt the rush of drugs hit her again, what the fuck were those pills? One moment perfect clarity and then BANG! She was in space jaw moving like Kerry Katona after a heated argument on this morning with that grey-heeded cunt and that lassie with the massive knockers. What was her name again. Molly? Jolly? Oh aye fucking Holly…..thats the only fucking reason she was on the telly, big tits and a nice set of gums, Mary wondered what it be like if she had her own telly show, she imagined it would be late night, she would show them loose women how loose she was, laying back on the couch with some celebrity like Will Smith, and she would give him a waft of her haggis, neeps and tattys. How could they refuse, I mean if you took away the sun-bed-wrinkled skin, the stained teeth, slight belly and straw-dry-bleached to fuck hair, she thought she was a right catch. Why the fuck she had not met some multimillionaire hotty yet was beyond her, but she was sure her time would come. When someone tall dark and handsome, and more importantly RICH, took her away from all this dullness.

You ever seen that film,” Mary said, “where that guy staples those lassies to each others ass hole and makes them take a shit?”

The random’s eyes bulged in there sockets

P-please, no dont do that, dont fucking staple me to some cunt ass. Please…”

Mary cackled. “Oh fur fuck sake ya shit bag. How fucked up do you think I am … do you honestly think i’d staple you to someone and make you eat there jobby?”

Aye, you fucking would. YOUR AFF YOUR HEED!”

Mary’s smile dropped

Aff my heed,” she repeated in a high pitched voice. “I’m no aff my head I am just fucking pissed off. Don’t you get it. Don’t you fucking understand that you have ruined my life. I lost my job, I cant show my face in public and now everyone knows me as the lassie who shat herself.” her finger’s clenched into knuckles. “DO YOU THINK THAT IS OK!” she swung her right fist into the air and brought it down upon his chest, he groaned out in agony and flinched, a glob of spit shooting from his mouth hitting Mary on the face. She froze, as if she had been struck by the force of a hammer.

I- didnea mean that,” he quickly said.

Mary wiped her hand across her face and stared at the glob of spit like it was something highly dangerous.

You clatty chunk of fuck,” she hissed. “You spat your filthy germs on me.” Her face had gone a weird shade of red, her forehead creased up like a Jewish-man’s foreskin that he kept on the mantelpiece in a wee jar.

She jumped up from the bed, too quick the sudden rush of blood to her head caused her to fall back against the wall, she felt dizzy and the drugs made her head feel like it was ten times its size.

Hiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” she screamed and shook the invisible man who was standing in front of her, then she spun on the spot and started to do a silent rave, the random watched in terror as she then tried to do a back flip but failed smacking her head off the chest of drawers and screaming that there was a wizard inside her fanny and his wand was making it itchy.

She really was insane.

Mary got up from the floor

You brought them here.”

Who?”

Them,” Mary said pointing around the room at nothing.

What are you talking about?”

Those wee green men sitting on the ceiling they keep laughing at me,” Mary said, she could see them so clear about twenty of them, like tiny little aliens walking upside down on the ceiling they were chanting her name and then suddenly they burst into song

Oh Mary hen you are insane

your fucked up in your drug filled brain

you canny even stand up straight

no wonder you don’t have a mate

yer fanny gives off an awful smell

your going straight to fucking hell

cause no one else can cope with your gash

we all know you got a nutella ASS

SHUT UP!” Mary screamed grabbing a tin of sure deodorant and chucking it at the ceiling.

But the voices did not shut up they grew louder in her head saying her name over and over in some demonic chant like something from children of the corn, soft almost sweet voices that became course and angry, like an eighty year old hag who had smoked to many fags

He brought you here did’ent he,” Mary screamed, rubbing her itchy face off the carpet.

The voices in her head laughed and said “Yes.”

He is the one. The one to blame

you must make sure he never leaves

without the pain

they sang louder and Mary suddenly felt a light bulb pop in her head. She got up on to her knees, a big stream of spit just dangling from her face, her hair was glued to her forehead as if by a pritstick.

That’s what we have to do,” she said more to herself than anything but the random answered

W-what?”

Mary grinned her grinch like smile.

I won’t ever live that down will I …the name you gave me. It will always be that way, so why run from it when I can just embrace it and fucking have pride in my new identity.” She sprang up fist punching the air “Taaa daaa daaa taa daaa daaaaa MARY POWER,” she sang. “Think of it like any super hero, they all got there powers but they all got there weakness. You created me. Like batman created that joker cunt, no big Jack I like the hot one, the one who died, wits his name, Keith Lemon yeah in that batman film he was well good.”

The random just stared what else could he say, Mary kept walking around in circles muttering to herself and now and then looking at the ceiling and nodding or saying something in a language that sounded made up, clicking her tongue to the roof of her mouth like some mad African tribal lady living in a hut in some remote country.

Mary moved towards the camera kneeling down so her face was visible.

You cunts out there call me Nutella ass well ……” she inhaled. “let me show you why.”

She yanked down her trousers, her bare ass showing, then she tore off her top standing there now naked she did a little spin on the spot, kicking her leg out and balancing on her tip toes

I wid have made a gid ballet dancer if it wisnea for my fanny.” she looked at him. “Did you no notice the scar,” the pointed to the scar running down the top of her fanny. “You see when I was about 15 my flaps grew faster than a normal lassie, by the time I was 17 my fanny flaps were hanging down past my ankles, like a set of elephants ears. I swear they used to fucking slap together and have a mind of there own. I had many operations to get them looking like this….not sure why iam even telling you this dick-head but….” she did another little ballet dance around the bed and then sprang on to the mattress and stood over him looking down grinning “you ready big boy.”

What — wait….your what are you-” before he could finish Mary was squatting down over his chest, her bare ass cheeks spread and she began to grunt like she was giving birth

the man screamed like a wee lassie after she had been told there was no Christmas yanking at the chains holding him.

Oh I am cooking up a right big turd curry,” Mary said grunting, “this is gonna be a heavy non-wiper this one when it comes out. Be the size of that fucking asteroid that killed Bruce Willis in that film Armageddon.”

The random screamed again……..

BANG

Someone pounded on the front door. Mary thought she was hearing things, the drugs were working again all around her fairy’s were dancing and tickling her skin, little ones like tinker bell from peter pan.

BANG BANG BANG

MARY RASH OPEN UP POLICE!”

Helppppppppppppppppppppp” the random screamed, Mary punched him full force in the nose with the back of her palm, his nose exploded in a gush of red blood, seeping down across the bed sheets.

There was a loud crack and the next thing two police officers were standing there, they froze looked at what they were seeing and then Mary gave a loud cackle and screamed

I am MARY FUCKING RASH and you dirty pigs can lick the shit out my arse this cunt here will pay and if any of you bacon rashers come near me I will cut a bitch!” she hissed like a wild cat and spat on the floor.

The officer on the right went for her but she kicked out her leg and stotted him on the face the other grabbed her by the legs dragged her off the bed but as he did she fell back her head hit the floor and ——- it happened again, she farted, a loud trumpet blow and shit shot out her as if expelled from a canon the police officer screamed fell back as it went over his shoes and banged his head off the wall, the random screamed to be set free and Mary lay there laughing her head off, the drugs had taken her to another world, she was now laying in her own shit, arms and legs dancing making snow angels, in what she imagined was a winter wonder land in Narnia, in reality a pool of warm brown skitters and then she began to sing

My name is fucking Mary Rash

you piggy fuckers can suck my gash

cause when all else is said and failed

that dirty bastard oh how he whaled

cause no one messes with this lass

I will fly kick any cunts ass

cause I repeat I am Mary Rash

and as Gandalf said

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

SO EAT MY NUTELLA ASS

CHAPTER SIX

THE PLOT THICKENS 

He struggled against the bonds holding him the tight steel digging down into his flesh making him groan in pain, the bed shook under his weight, the four steel legs thudding off the floor.

Bang all you want,” Mary said “the old cunt down stair’s would no hear a marching band if they were playing in his kitchen.” she tapped the dildo off the side of her head “deaf as fuck. Which comes in handy when you want to have a few mates round for a party or a random cunt over to torture.”

Listen …Mary…” he said saying her name for the first time. Mary shuddered, up until now he was just random and she was just a random to him, but now they were on first name basis, Random then Tommy and the truth came out that his real name was Barry. Was that even his real name? She guessed not, she knew his type, no doubt meeting girls in clubs and swooning over them like Jimmy Savil in a playground, throwing lies at them and chat up lines, well the girl would have to be a daft bitch to home with him. Mary suddenly realised she was the one who invited him back here that first night, and she cringed at her own stupidity. All because her lady-lobster was leading her on, like a mind of it’s own. Her hormones must have been out of whack, there was time’s she got so horny that common sense went straight out the window, clearly this was one of these times. Was there a pill she could take for it? something to dry up her dripping wet crab-cake, maybe balance out her thoughts at the same time. She reminded herself to google that when she had the chance. 

You won’t be needing these any more” she said taking a grip of his boxer shorts. “Have you ever washed these things?” she pulled an about-to-spew face and yanked them clean off down to his ankles, making sure her face went no where near those razor-blade toenails of doom.

I forgot how special your dick looked,” she said staring at his man-hood like it was something under a microscope, one eye clenched shut

It’s erm…………” she could not find the right words and fell back on the bed laughing. It was smaller than she remembered, looking every bit the button mushroom from that first night. It was the strangest looking dick in the world, she would imagine the Guinness book of world records would love to have him in there annual spread under “Tiny baby dick man” there he would be standing naked, his inch hard cock on display as he hel a wee trophy saying “I have a tinky-winky.”

The tiny tadger was sunk in, like a turtles head going back into its shell, the roll of fat where his belly came down rested there, There was a mass of pubes, Mary could not really say anything about jungle-bush,as hers resembled a black girl’s weave, but fur fuck sake, this was a whole other level of down-stairs-bushy-ness, you could floss your teeth on these. And then there was those balls, It looked as if a hamster had swallowed two Tenis ball and they were fighting to get out its wee cheeks.

Are your balls allergic to something,” she said “they look all swollen like you got a pea nut allergy and just gobbed down a packet of Nobby’s chilli nuts.”

Stop fucking staring at my dick,” he said, “pull my boxers back up, and let me go.”

Aw no need to be nervous baby, it’s only a game.”

Mary held the dildo in both hands thrashing it back and forward then she started sucking in the air and breathing it out like a scuba-diver

Luke I am your father,” she sliced the dildo down upon his chest with a slap of skin meets plastic and he swore “may the force be with you.” she hit it off his dick and then again, and then she held it there between his legs below his balls

DONT PLEASE!” HE begged

She hesitated “As if I would do that. What the fuck do you take me for.” Mary got up and walked back across the room, the random breathed out in relief.

Oh thank god, right take these off and I will be going.”

Mary turned back towards him holding something in her hands.

What the fuck you doing with that?” he said

Well I’m no a gay man,” Mary said, “so having tubs of lube about my flat is not something I need, however.” she held a big tub of utterly-buttery up. “I got tubs of this shit on special offer at Tesco and it works just as well.”

WHAT YOU DOING WITH BUTTER am no a fucking bit of breed!!!!”

She placed the butter on the bed and then dipped the tip of the dildo inside it, once twice then another taking a glob of it in her hands and smearing it all over the shiny rubbery black 14 inch monster

This” Mary said, grinning like the cat from Alice in wonderland, “is really really going to sting.”

She rammed it in, like the knights of the old days rammed battering rams against castle doors, the dildo slide inside his man-hole-cover, he screamed, a guttural high pitched scream, sounding more like a women giving birth, and then Mary pushed deeper.

Nearly there, but you can do better,” she pushed more the dildo sliding inside his Charlie and the chocolate factory. He screamed out “noooo stoo” but too late it was all inside.

Holy fuck,” Mary said, “I can’t even take all of it. Your arse is like a hungry hippo”

PULL IT OUT. PULL IT OUT”

Oh wheesht,” Mary twisted the sex toy around, letting his bum hole take more. He shook the hand cuffs holding him and let out a great moan.

Was that of pain or pleasure? Mary saw something on his face that looked almost like a second of joy. But then he screamed out “please take it out” and she got up leaving the sex toy hanging there out his arse.

You keep it nice and warm for me,” she said and rummaged through her bag of wonders. “This,” she said taking out what looked like a small hunk of plastic “is something not even I could not handle. Tried it once and the fucking thing blew a fuse and I ended up having to call out an electrician.”

W—wwhat are you doing. Please. What is that?”

This dick-head is called the shocker but I like to call it the Frothy-mouthed-seizer-spunker. See what you do is,” she opened up the plastic tub inside there was a small tube of rubber that she slipped down over his cock and some wires she pulled down along the floor and connected to the A.C adapter by the bed.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!”

Relax big boy. This one is not for the faint hearted.” she clicked the plug socket down and held a small plastic device in her hand.

We will start slow to break you in, shall we, darling.”

She pressed setting one, the random let out a howl, as currents of electricity ran up the wires and into his tiny-acorn size winky. His whole body shook like something from the exorcist, his back arching and the rolls of fat along his belly rippling like a tidal wave of fat, his fingers curled around the cold, steel, pad locks and he let out a great exhale of breath and then he came. It shot out and over his chest, sticking to his belly button hairs like Spiderman’s webs at the green goblins face . But it was not over yet, Mary clapped her hands and fist pumped the air and then switched to setting two, mumbled something about “having to suffer” then switched to the high setting.

His dick had turned a nasty shade of purple. It was moving back and forth by itself, as if some kind of Harry Potter magic was at work here, he was making some of the oddest noises Mary had ever heard, as if an old man was taking an asthma fit, whilst being humped by a pit-bull in heat, locked inside a tumble dryer.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” he howled and then his toes clenched with a crack and he came again, and then again, his whole body had turned red, like a nasty sun burn sweat was lashing out across his forehead and even though Mary had switched it off his body was still convulsing up and down and he kept making an “ow ow ow ow” sound like an owl on class A drugs.

Mary cackled like an old witch and clapped her hands and started doing what can best be described as a poor-white-girl-twerk, tongue lopping out of the side of her gob

That wee whore Miley Cyrus could’ne keep up with me.”

She moved across the room swiping her sello-taped phone off the chest of drawers, she typed in her password and clicked on the Facebook app. Her eyes rolled back in her head,she steadied herself with a hand against the wall, her jaw starting to move on its own free will, the drugs surged through her body once more, they kept coming and going, making her feel fine and then like she was flying, she tapped the icon again, telling the shitty thing to load and then she saw that she had over 5000 mails and over 6000 friends requests. She clicked on her home page, every comment was about the video. It had over 189,000 hits now. She crunched her teeth together.

You see wit you done to me,” she held the phone screen an inch from his nose. “DO YOU FUCKING SEE!” she slammed it off his face, three times and then turned it on its side and whacked it off the side of his face. He groaned out in pain.

I’m sorry ok, I did’nea think any cunt would see it …….” he gulped down his words his voice softening, “please just let me go.”

It’s too late for that now,” Mary said standing up from the bed too quickly, the room spun around her she fell on all fours on the carpet and began to moo like a cow.

Mad cow disease,” she said and began laughing.

The random stared in sheer terror. She really was insane. She had said it so many times,but he now believed her.

Mary crawled to the foot of the bed and began nibbling on the edges of the sheets

I love grass, nom nomm” she took another mouthful of covers and then got up, the random was just staring at her, his eyes bulging O’s of terror.

I still don’t think you have learned your lesson for what you did.”

I have,” the random said quickly, “I swear to god, I have.”

Mary sat down beside him, running her hand across the side of his sweaty face

Aww baby and are you truly sorry for what you did even in the eyes of our heavenly father and saviour.” she stared at the ceiling and made cross sign with her fingers together.

YES I swear!”

Look me in the eye and convince me that your sorry then.”

He looked her dead in the eye

Mary. I am really sorry what I done was shit. I am a cunt. Please forgive me, hen.”

Mary’s face softened her jaw relaxed for a fleeting second it looked like she might actually cry but then she slapped him a stotter off the face and laughed a single HAR!

AS IF I’D JUST STOP THERE. It’s too late now, I’ve already fucked everything up, my job, my life, so why not make sure you go down with me. I wish you would no what it felt like for everyone to think they know you …to judge you and send you messages and-” Mary paused, a light bulb had just gone off in her head, a smile cracked over her face, a grinch-like-grin that made her look like some kind of psycho.

Brilliant,” she muttered under her breath and punched the air in a victorious laugh.

W-w-what?” the random stuttered

That’s it. That’s how you will pay. You need to feel what its like for the world to see you at your worst. I want them all to see your shame just like you did to me.”

What you gonna do to me?”

Mary’s smile widened, her dimples making her eyes narrow and squint like a old Chinese women.

I am gonna do exactly what you did to me.”

She swiped up her phone and scrolled through the settings coming to the camera icon clicking it the bright light engulfed the room, blinding her

Fur fuck sake that’s bleeing me,” she said turning it to the random s face, he winched clenching his eyes shut.

Well say hello,” Mary said, “we want to make sure everyone knows your name out there in Facebook land. I am going to make you famous.”

FIFTY SHADES OF MARY RASH

CHAPTER FIVE 

                                                    AND THE OSCAR GOES TO….

The taxi home was one of the most awkward moments of Mary’s life not only did the taxi driver keep talking in some language she could not understand but the cab stank of cheesy feet, curry and sour milk and every now and then Mary would trip out and she could have sworn on her life that they were underwater, she pressed her hand to the cold pane of glass and watched as mermaids swam past and waved, Oh look, there was big Ursula, the evil squid from the Disney film the Little mermaid giving her the middle finger, Mary stuck her tongue out and Ursula started rubbing her left tit and doing dirty things with that golden pitch fork she stole off Ariel’s dad. Mary was just about to push her tit against the window, to show this squid-bitch who was boss when.

“You ok, darlin?” the random interrupted, putting his hand on Mary’s knee, she wanted to snap his fingers and say don’t touch me but she had to play this cool, and remember the plan. Was there even a plan? She was going to wing this. She sat her hand on his and stroked his finger tenderly feeling the thick black hairs rub against her smooth skin, he was wearing a three fingered gold ring the letters R.F.C stamped across it. Mary hated these kind of twats. Football hooligans who thought going about screaming about the beautiful game was somehow supporting the team. Fuck off. Shoot them all, she thought, and burn the bodies. She had the image of herself dancing around this man’s dead, limp, corpse, as she held up his head, which she had cut off using her nail-file and scarified it to the gods in return for eternal good looks, lots of money and the removal of that Facebook video, She giggled psycho-like to herself, clasping a hand to her mouth. Her head was full of wicked ideas, that would put the SAW films to shame. 

The taxi took a sharp left and went over a bump, Mary slid side ways in her chair her head falling into the randoms’s lap.

“Fuck me, yer keen aint cha, darling,” he laughed patting her head like a dog and saying “you can ge it a suck in here am no feart if he see’s us.”

Mary sat up and forced another smile, he had to be the most repulsive thing she had ever laid eyes on, what kind of man shaves half his face and leaves the rest as a thick black stubble, his eye brows were even bushier than she remembered, one single strip of black wool like a caterpillar trying to escape off his forehead and that smell ….what in the name of all that was good and holy in this life was he wearing, he had the faint disinfection smell of bleach about him but then something else, a cat-pissy sort of lingering waft that made her belly contract wanting to throw up. She wondered if he had ever heard of a thing called soap.

“All in good time,” Mary managed to say and she stroked the side of his neck, noticing a tattoo there the letter I with a heart then the word pussy.

She swallowed down the urge to spit on his face, and despite the drugs still surging through her body she managed to look like she was having the time of her life. Maybe she had wasted her talent, all this time, maybe she should have been an actress, she used to have dreams as a kid when the teacher told her, her impression of Annie from the musical was amazing she would belt out the sun will come out tomorrow and the kids would woop and cheer and Mary would stand there and take in all there praise like she was at the Oscars. She could just imagine it all now, sitting there in a fancy gown, hair done, make up plastered on her mug, a set of new white teeth to take over from the stained-ones. And there was Robert De-nero reading out his card

“And the Oscar for best actress in a motion picture goes to.”

Mary would sit tense, clenching her teeth, the camera would pass between all the other nominees and then …

“and the winner is ………….. Mary Rash for the movie “My fanny has its own post code”

Mary would jump to her feet screaming and wolf whistling, you can take the girl out of Scotland but not Scotland out the girl. She would run on stage and give the finger to Dame Helen Mirren and that soor-plume, faced Meryl Streep, she would bend over and moon Angelina jolle and in doing so cause Brad Pitt to re think his whole marriage. what kind of man wants to be tied down with a village full of fucking kids that she bought out a catalogue. 

“I just want to thank all ye pervying cunts of the academy,” Mary would say in her speech. “And to all the folk who went to see ma film. My fanny has its own post code. Was a hard movie to make. Many folk out there said I could not do it, that I wisnea talented enough well fuck all ye spunk-buckets, I have this,” in her mind she would hold up the Oscar and laugh. “SO FUCK ALL YE OTHER BITCHES. AM BETTER THAN YE. NA NAA ANAAA NAAAAA NA!” the Camera would zoom up to the face of Kate Winslet, crying.

The taxi came to a shuddering stop shaking the fantasy from Mary’s head. The man paid the fair,and insisted Mary give him it back when they got to her flat

“Am pure skint doll, don’t get ma giro till next month the wankers sanctioned me cause they said I am capable oh working, and I told them I canny cause o my back and I need crutches.”

“Your walking about fine now,” Mary said sceptically. 

“Aye, it comes and goes. I feel ok the day but,” he scratched the back of his head, “I have bad days too.”

“Yeah, sure,” Mary nodded and smiled, pulling out the keys to her flat and pressing the electronic fob key to the sensor

Her flat was a pig sty, empty bottles of booze littered the floor, where she and Emma had drunk, old take away boxes were stacked up and washed clothes piled up all over the place. There was no carpets in most of the rooms, nor paint on the walls, she had promised she would decorate this place and make it like one of those flats you see on the telly, but three year’s later the only improvement she had made was to fit a new toilet roll holder in the shape of a shell, looking like one of Lady Gaga’s tits, Not exactly a changing-rooms makeover. Where is that whore Carol Smily when you need her.  And was she pumping that Andy. How else did he get the nick-name, Handy. Mary wondered if he was good with his fingers and a power drill. 

“So this is what it looked like,” the random said as he stepped into the bed room, “cant remember from last time, I was heavy fucked out my face on base and moonshine.”

The bedroom was the only room that looked decent, it was painted pink with pink fluffy cushions and on the wall posters of Marylin Monroe, Mary thought she was stunning, NOT IN A DYKE WAY! No way! She wanted to make sure that point was clear. She might look at her and think she’s pretty but she certainly did not want to stick her bottom lips anywhere near her lady plug-socket. It was dick, or nothing. How did those women in fanny-hill jail cope with it, Mary could not imagine being locked up for years without a good fat, cock, about her, maybe they just got to the point fingers was not enough and had no other choice. Mary hoped that day would never come she did not like the thought of introducing her new boyfriend to the world as “Hey this is Senga”

Mary moved over to the small C.D player in the shape of a coke-can she got from cash converters last week for a score, and pressed play the thing started to blare out SMACK MY BITCH UP by the prodigy.

“No, exactly romantic music,” she said with a laugh and she searched for something more fitting, some CD glued to another, one of those free ones you got when you collected six tokens from the daily record. She stuck it in and pressed play. Monks started to chant and whales howl.

“What the fuck is that,” the random said

“Its called deep mediation.”

“It sounds like dugs shagging.”

“Its supposed to relax the mind.”

“I don’t want to relax my mind I want to relax your fanny muscles.”

What a vile cunt

“Oh you naughty boy,” Mary said, still managing to keep up the pretence. “how bad do you want it?”

“I want it so bad, last time I never got ma hole last time I was here,” he sat on the edge of her bed, “but then again cant blame you, we were too busy cleaning up your skitters.” he laughed.

Mary chewed her gums

“Can we not talk about that.”

“Sorry,” he said not sounding sorry at all, “its just one of them things that I will never forget. Came out you like a fucking cannon, I never thought a lassie, could hold in so much turd-stew.”

“I ate a bad curry the night, and I was on medication, the drink must have mixed with them and that’s how I-”

“Sharted,” he finished her sentence.

“It looks more than there really was,it was just runny so it made it look like lots of jobby. But anyway I don’t want to talk about my fucking shit I want to talk about how I am going to make that dick of yours all wet.”

“Oh you kinky wee bitch.”

“I am a a dirty kitten,” Mary got down on all fours and started to pretend to clean behind her ears like a cat. “Meow, purrrrr bad kitty,” she said and came closer to him, standing up and stepping in between his legs. “My pussy needs fed.”

“Yer pussy will be dripping like a spastic sucking a chalk-ice when I’m done with you hen,” he said.

She pressed down on his chest and went into kiss, as there lips met she pulled back and shook her head.

“I want all your clothes off, I want to make this a very hot night, I am a very dirty horny girl and must be punished.”

“Don’t you worry about it my wee darling.”

She watched as he removed his clothes, it was like watching someone with two hooks for hands trying to take off a tight fitting jumper, he wrestled with his jacket then tried to take off his t shirt but fell back off the bed then finally he got down to his boxers. Oh no fucking way. Mary actually gagged. He was still wearing the same pish stained ones from that night she met him. The actual same ones with the same stains down the front. No chance, had he been home, had he washed since that night?

He took his socks off and Mary saw he had the feet of Frodo Baggins from lord of the rings, big thick hairy things with long dirty yellow toe nails that looked like a Veloceraptor’s from Jurassic park, he stuck his feet up on the bed and Mary worried for a moment those bad boys might actually tear through her good sheets. Those bastards cost her a tenner in pre-mark. When she says cost, she means they were a tenner, of course she saw them on the display outside and stuck them in her bag. Why pay for it when you can just take, that was her motto in life.

She would be doing a hell of a lot more of that now that she was jobless, it had not even sank in yet, after tonight, after she did what she came here for, she would find a new job, and reinvent herself. This would be the last night the world ever saw this Mary Rash. But until then back to more pressing matters.

“Yer holes gonna look like a cave when I’m done with you,” he said, “you will need a miner helmet and a torch to see in there yer gonna be that loose. Batman will be able to rent it out for the new film.”

Mary moved up the bed, one hand stroking across his bare chest, feeling the fuzzy patches of chest hair and the other gripped at his dick, she felt the stub beneath and had the memory of his button-mushroom and did her best not to laugh

“Are you open minded?” she said kneeling on the bed

“Open minded for what?”

“Well do you like to try new things?”

“I once fucked a lassie with my big toe if that counts?”

“What about bondage?”

He scrunched his face up

“What the fucks that, like leather and shit?”

“Well …” Mary jumped off the bed and went to her wardrobe and pulled out a big black bag of Anne summers, there was a whip, handcuffs and some other things including sex-toys, she held out the 14 inch black dildo and shook it.

“Can you take all that?” he said

“Every inch,” Mary lied.

“I wanna see you do it.”

“Well what you gonna dae fur me?”

“What you want?”

“How about this,” she shook the handcuffs and knelt down on the bed.

“I am NO into that.”

“Oh scared its only a little game, I tie your hands up then make you cum then you tie me up and do what you want.”

“Anything I want?”

Mary smiled “Anything at all. You can do anything.”

“Fucking too right, o’rite hen, its a deal.”

Mary chained his left hand to the bed and then the other hand cuffing around the metal frame and then shaking It to make sure it was secure then she took the cord from her dressing down tied his left foot down and then found some string and tied his other foot

“I canny fucking move,” he moaned

“That’s the whole point you stupid cunt,” Mary said the act suddenly vanishing.

She yanked her bag of tricks onto the bed between his legs, he craned his neck up a little

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Well you dirty-pished pant clatty toss-potting-wanker I call this revenge.”

He gulped

“What? I thought you wanted to shag?”

“That’s called good acting. Who wid actually want to shag you, yer a fucking stotter, face like a mash tatty” she leaned down into his face “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU SMELL OF CAT FOOD!”

“You are a crazy bitch un tie me now.”

“Nope.”

“Do it.”

“What is your name?”

“I said un-tie me!”

Mary help out the 14 inch dildo like a knife

“And I said what the fuck is your name, I’ve been calling you cunt face random for so long now I almost forgot you were born with a real name, and I cant remember what it was, so your name?”

He yanked at the hand cuffs but they did not budge

“My fucking real name is Barry.”

She laughed “Barry. Big Barry baw heed.”

“Can you please un-tie me,” he begged

“I thought you’d be a Scott,” Mary went on ignoring him “Scott’s usually are fat and stink of pish from my experience. Or maybe a Haydn.” she licked the top of the dildo “I knew a bloke called Haydn once, cracker of a lad, we got on so well, and then well he turned into a fucking dick like all blokes and left me for my best pal, dirty whore and him are some where in Spain now living it up and here I am stuck in this shit hole with a scum bag like you.”

“Please just un-tie me and I will go, hen.”

“Naw! You got to pay for what you did to me,” the flush of anger surged through her veins, “you take a video of me, when I was out my face and you post it on the internet-thingy and you just think hi-fiddly-dee it will be ok with me!,” she slammed her fists down on the mattress “is that it eh? is that the way you treat girls?”

“It was my pal he found the video and he posted it.”

“STOP LYING TO ME.” She swiped up the dildo and whacked it off the side of his face and then back again with a dull thud, then pressed it to his lips.

“No the first dick you’ve had slapping off yer gums I bet,” Mary laughed.

“Fucking un-tie me now or I swear!”

Mary stopped, her teeth grinding as the drugs came back in a sudden rush.

“Or what? What you gonna do big boy.” She smiled, looking like the Grinch “No one is going to help you. You’re gonna regret the day you fucked with Mary Rash. You think you are hard-core, oh just wait and see what big Mary is like. Barry boy.”

Fifty shades of Scotland: THE MARY RASH STORY

CHAPTER FOUR

A BAD TRIP

She felt fine. The pills were clearly shit, or maybe Mary had the liver of an ox and nothing worked on her these days, on more than one occasion she had trashed her flat looking for booze on midnight benders, finding nothing she resorted to downing shots of mouth wash or window-leen, all for the shite’s and giggles (the shite’s was a sore point for her right now) she did not like thinking of her loose bum hole at a time like this she wondered if maybe she needed to call up channel four and ask to see the embarrassing body doctor, oh god. Was that damn, facebook video, still out there, were people still watching clicking it off and on, up and down quicker, than Katy price’s knickers at a Peter Andre concert. She promised she would not look, she logged off it and focused on the night ahead.

“You’re eyes are all rid,” Emma said looking at her as they got into the taxi.

Mary rubbed them with the back of her finger.

“You tripping out yer nut?” Emma said and laughed

“Naw, I feel fine those pills are-” her words got lodged there in Mary’s throat, her whole body was plunged into an icy prickle, like electricity running up her spine, her lady-chewbaca fluttered and she was sure it made a sound like a fat bitch slurping the dregs from a milkshake. She stared at her hand, there was 19 fingers, something was not right there, 19 did she always have 19 fingers? And why was her legs now that of a goat, her feet stuck In those heels had turned grey and there was hoofs. A big pair of fucking HOOFS! HOOFS fur fuck sake.

“Fuck a duck,” she said turning to Emma, “I think I am out my tits.”

The town was packed, the first pub they went to try the bouncer, a fat black man stopped Mary dead at the door.

“Yer no gonna I.D me are ye,” she laughed, trying to stop her jaw rattling, the world was bright purple and every time she blinked the bouncers faced turn into a giant grinning dogs, asking for a bone.

“Not tonight lady’s,” the bouncer said

“And why the fuck no,” Mary said.

“Its fine forget it there’s plenty of other places,” Emma said

“you’ve had too much to drink,” the bouncer went on.

“I’ve had nothing I am one hundred percent sober, yer clearly a blind cunt.” she stepped towards him, her tongue flicking out her mouth like a lizard trying to catch a fly. “you are discriminating against my disability.”

The black man pulled a face, a flicker of concern washed over him

“Your not disabled.”

“How the fuck do you ken that,” Mary snapped, “I got…. ……Fluttery-flang-eat-itus”

The bouncer scrunched his face up

“Whats that?”

“its rare, effects one in a million it means I cant control myself when I do things like this-” she slapped both sides of the bouncers cheeks, spat on his jumper and screamed “lets see your black pudding.”

The bouncer grabbed her by the arms pinning her against the wall

“Un hand me you yob,” Mary screamed in a voice like an 18th century Victorian “help, help me, this vagabond will not unhand me, I be but a lady who be looking for a quite rest on a weary journey will no gentleman come to my rescue.”

Emma was laughing but it only encouraged Mary more.

“Hes touching my hanging-basket,” Mary screamed, “get your big fat chubby fingers out my fucking mince round!”

The bouncer let her go and nudged her with his elbow

“Get the fuck out of here you’re not right in the head lady.”

Mary snorted like a pig three time.

“Not right in the heed,” she repeated in a deep voice, “not right in the fucking heed,” she grabbed her hair and began messing it looking like an Amy Winehouse bee hive, “LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME WOMEN IN DI-STRESS!” she yanked her dress up past her knees and started doing a little dance “WOMEN IN DA-DRESS!” Emma was laughing and Mary was now kicking her legs like the river dance folk, and asking random people In the cue if they wanted to see her four leaf clover. The sound of the police echoed in the distance. Immediately Mary stopped grabbed her heels and dragged Emma by the arm down the long alleyway, looking back and howling like some mad psycho bitch “YER NO WILL SMITH YA FUCKING TAMPON!”

Paradise was the name of the club, ironic for such a shit hole, it might have been the oldest club in the world, but also it had less-rules and the bouncers here really let you off with murder, there was a cue of under-age’s waiting with there fake I.Ds Mary glared at one lassie as she nudged up the cue and said

“Ye don’t even have a set of tits yit hen, who the fuck you kidding.”

People were calling out names as Emma stepped up to the bouncer

“Me and my friend here, Barry thanks,” the bouncer winked at her and let her pass without another word.

“See that,”Mary said turning to the enraged crowd, “that’s what you call fucking service, enjoy the cold ya bunch of fucking bastards.” she gave them the middle finger and swaggered in past the bouncer.

The smell hit her first, musty, like old gum shoes, she clapped a hand to her ear, thinking it was her nose,the pills working over time.

“Can you hear that?” she called out over the pounding music

“Here what”? Said Emma

“Baby’s screaming and there’s a dragon sitting on that bar over there in a pair of my frilly knickers. Why the fuck would they let a dragon in here? and why the fuck is it now tap dancing and asking that guy for a pair of speedo’s. We all ken dragons canny swim”

Emma tried not to laugh

“holy fuck those pills are lethal.”

“Nah I don’t feel a thing,” Mary lied, walking in slow motion, stopping then patting the air in front of air as if there was an invisible wall there stopping her way. “Do you have the key?”

“for what?”

“for the fucking door in front of me.”

Emma made a face but decided to go with it

“Aye sure, here.” she pretend to hand over a fake key, Mary took it and unlocked the invisible door walked in and smiled and began screaming “I got the key. I got the secret. I got the key to this shitty place.”

The bar was packed, Emma kept whispering in Mary’s ear that she needed to act normal and stop trying to lick her earlobes, Mary kept saying “I’m fine.” over and over and each time her jaw clenched and her eye balls rolled to there whites like she was about to tomb stone pile driver some cunt straight out the WWE. Undertaker style.

They got some vodka and shots and Mary glared around at the people staring at her.

“wits all your problems,” she yelled out

“Just ignore them,” Emma said looking out across the dance floor, a sea of half naked people grinding up againt each other to hardcore dance music.

“State of them,” Mary groaned, “looks like a pack of fucking monkey’s out the zoo.” she leaned forward over the little railing and spat on the dance floor “I came in like a wrecking ball, yer fanny smells like an awful pong.” she laughed to herself “that cunt on Facebook is hilarious.”

“No talent in here tonight,” said Emma, looking out at the bobbing heads.

“Talent. Fucking Scotland aint got talent. If I was a judge i’d buzz every one of these cunts out cold. And tell big Amanda bo-tox fore-heed to lick my hole,” said Mary.

Emma laughed.

“You are one of a kind, the shit you come out with is unreal.”

“Fucking damn right, the world better remember my name,” Mary tossed her hands over her head and screamed “MARY, ANNE, FOSTER, RASH, WIZ HERE. TAKE A BIG WHIFF.!”

At that exact moment the music stopped.

Oh Shit!

Everyone was looking at Mary. Looking at her like Jesus Christ himself had decided to cover himself in neon-paint and start a rave. Some of them were whispering and then after a long awkward moment someone yelled out.

“Your that lassie from Facebook?”

Mary’s face burnt red, her mouth opened and closed, the eccay’s now surging through her system made it look like she was chewing on an ever-lasting-gob-stopper.

Someone else yelled out “is that the lassie who shat herself.”

and on that note half the club started to yell out “Nutella ass.”

Mary felt as if someone was sitting on her chest, big mamma’s house pressing those fat cheeks down stopping her breathing, she gripped hold of the metal railing and tried to decipher what was real, every time she blinked the dance floor would turn into a horde of zombies and then change back into normal faces. This was a bad trip.

She tried to say something, to argue this case, to say she was not the girl that it was a mistake but instead the rush of class A’s surged through her veins and instead she yelled out

“THERE IS FUCK ALL WRONG WITH MY NUTELLA ARSE!”

The entire club buckled with laughter, the bar staff were laughing some people taking pictures. Emma was pulling at Mary’s arm trying to get her out of here.

“Come on Mary, let’s just get a taxi back up the road.”

But Mary was having non of it, she yanked her arm free.

“Listen you bunch of fucking black-toothed fuck wits, I don’t give a flying pack of winged-monkeys what you got to say about me or my big broon ass but if you wanna square go me then bring it on. I am like a shark in water. Circle fucking go. Come on”

Silence…..the club was utterly silent and then someone yelled out

“I want a picture with you hen, yer a legend.”

“NUTELLA ARSE YER FAMOUS HEN!”

“Any chance you can take a shite and let me film it!”

What happened next, in years to come Mary would still never understand, she dived head first over the railing, like someone in a rock concert diving into the unknown danger of the mosh pit. She landed on top of some blonde girl, her big white horse teeth sticking out her mouth like a row of bricks. Mary swiftly head butted her face, turned to the nearest person, but they were no longer people they were zombies, arms out, teeth grunting wanting her flesh.

“You aint eating me ya crusty cunts!” She flung her fist out at the nearest zombie, smashing him on the side of the head, then the next came at her to pin her down but she grabbed him in a head lock and landed on the ground, his face smashing straight off the floor, his nose exploding in a puddle of dark, thick, blood.

“COME ON THEN”

“Mary what the fuck!” Emma ran by her side grabbing her but in her drug fuelled rage she did not see her friend, she saw a demon, red skin a forked tail, horns, she lashed out grabbed it by the neck and throwing it across the dance floor. And then she sprang back to her feet, there was too many of them she glanced back

“YOU WONT HAVE MY SOUL FUCKERS”

She burst out of the fire exit, the sound of the alarm flooding the place she looked down the long ally way, left then right and then ran for it. She came out into the busy street, people walking past her holding each other drunk, she could hear people yelling her name behind, she did not want to be one of those things, life was hard, but being a fucking lapdog to the devil was harder. No fucking thanks.

She moved down the street, paranoia taking over, every face she saw had that  of a demon, red eyes and skin peeling from there body, she needed to get home, somehow she knew if she was home everything would be —– bang.

Mary fell back and landed on her ass.

“Watch where you are going you—-holy fuck its you.” the man extended his hand and pulled Mary to her feet. Mary took a moment to realise who it was and then his face came into focus,the drugs settling in her system. It was the random she had picked up on her first night, the cunt who put that video on Facebook.

Small world it seems.

“YOU!” Mary spat.

“Before you go off on one, just so you no I never posted that video, some one stole my phone and went through it and must have found it.”

“you filmed it!”

“Aye, but it was never gonna be out there, it was just for me.”

Mary had the urge to knock him out, her fingers clenched tight into a fist and she visualised his nose breaking by her hand, but then another little voice came into her head, the sly little voice of something evil

revenge it said softly and Mary felt herself grinning

“You know what babe its not a big deal,” she said

The man frowned

“You serious?”

“aye, its honestly fine, don’t bother me,” she pressed her hand on his arm “pity me and you never got down to fucking that night.”

He grinned showing off some missing teeth

“Aye, I was right up for unleashing the light-sabre on yer yabba-the-hut”

She smiled, it took ever effort she had not to boke up her guts at this face.

“Why don’t me and you go back to mine and -” she grabbed him by the crotch, “show you how much I love this.”

“I knew you were into me,” he said and put his arm around her neck “lead the way, I am going show you how the fuck the lassies doon my way call the the destroyer.”

Mary forced another fake grin as they headed for a taxi, her mind working over time on the terrible things she was going to do. The drugs kept seeping in and out her body making her see things that were not real, but one thing was for sure, one thing she would not budge from her mind now. This fucker was going to pay for what he did.

Revenge a dish best served, Mary Rash style

FIFTY SHADES OF SCOTAND: THE MARY RASH STORY: CHAPTER THREE

Chapter three

MARY GOES VIRAL

It was just a stupid video, a fucked up mistake that she would regret, but that was all it was, a 30 second clip, surly no one else would watch it, they would get bored of it and just forget about it, right? As she hurried down the main street of town nudging folk out the way and grunting rude words as they past she hit the Facebook button and checked to see if the views had stopped, 29,965 views in 2 hours. Oh fuck this was not good, the friends requests were rising every second, why in the name of Susan Boyle’s left tit would anyone in there right mind send a friends request to someone who shat themselves in in a video, what the hell was the world coming too?Mary reminded herself though that if she had been in another’s shoes she too would have laughed at it but being in her position was a whole other matter.

She had over 2000 mails now, and increasing, she told herself not to click on any of them, it would only make it worse but curiosity got the better and she hit the inbox, the first few mails random’s saying hello, the others from people taking the piss, most of them saying nutella ass and one women who she clicked, called Emma Watts said “you should be shot you filthy mare, I hope you’re cat is taken off you by the RSPCA too.”

Just ignore the spunk buckets there not worth it, Mary told herself but the anger was rising up inside her like venom, she could feel her lady-parts slapping together like the fins of a performing seal. She replied with this.

“SEE YOU YA WEE MIDDIN AM GONNA FIND OUT WHERE YE STAY AND RAZOR BLADE YER TITS OFF! And microwave yer dug! My pussy has got teeth that’s why they call it the vicious cunt. So fuck off!”

Send!

She regretted it instantly, nudging her way through more busy shoppers

“Try excuse me in the future.”

Mary stopped dead, turning her head round like a man-owl.

“Are you talking to me?” she said to the well dressed lady weighed down by designer shopping bags.

“You barged right past me and almost knocked me over I think an apology is in order,” the women said in a high hoi-tee-toy-tee voice that made Mary chew the inside of her gums in irritation.

“Listen hen, am having the worst day of my life,” Mary said “So why don’t you take all you’re fucking expensive gear and that smacked arse for a face and get the fuck out of here before I rip those eye lashes off and use them for windy wipers.”

The women’s mouth made a giant O of shock.

“You have no manners…” she turned to go “disgusting.”

Big mistake.

Before she could stop herself Mary grabbed her by the back of the hair, coiling her glue-on-nails from the pound shop around that blonde bitches locks and yanking, a little harder than she meant, the women fell back stotting her head off the ground, passers by screamed and yelled but Mary pounced on her sitting down on her chest, one hand across her throat the other on her tit, she punched the left tit like Sylvester Stallone would in Rocky and the women screamed

“Sare aint it ya fucking cow.” Mary got up took one last look at her then swiped up the black shopping back labelled Diesel “I will be taking that, say anything to the polis and you’re in for it, rubber, tits.”

And with that she hurried off, taking the next alleyway behind the burger king, regretting it already.

*

“I honestly dont no what to tell you, hen,” Emma said on the phone, Mary had 500 missed calls from her and answered the next one the moment she got to her flat

“It’s everywhere, that fucking bastard filmed me and now everyone think’s I am some mad clatty whore who shites herself after a shag.”

Emma made a noise like she laughed but cleared her voice on the other end

“it’s no that bad.”

“NO THAT FUCKING BAD! THERE CALLING ME NUTELLA-ASS! I GOT 3000 mails and there all slagging me off, that video is at 56,000 views and its only been on fur 4 fucking hours.”

Emma cleared her throat again.

“Well what the fuck should I do,” Mary said

“You should get facebook to take it down.”

“I’ve already reported it but that won’t make a difference its been share all over, have you got that twinder thing?”

“Twitter you mean?”

“Aye do you huv it?”

“Aye.”

“Well is the video on there yet?”

Emma did not answer

“Just fucking tell me the truth!”

“Yeah, its been on there for hours and everyone keeps re-tweeting it, erm……Russell Brand even commented on it.”

“The comedian.” Mary felt her head go all dizzy she sat down on the couch breathing in deeply “what did he say.”

“It don’t matter. Forget it.”

“Tell me now fur fuck sake yer supposed to be supporting me.”

“I um supporting you, he made a joke about Charlie and the chocolate factory and how they could use yer arse hole for another remake.”

Mary’s face flushed red,she uncrossed her legs wishing she was naked so she could cool her taz-bar down, it was sweating down there, she hated how it got like this when she got stressed, sometimes she would have to fan it with a copy of take-a-break and lay on the leather couch and cool down, her quiche had a mind of its own.

“I think you need a gid drink about you and try forget about this,” said Emma

“I can’t forget about it, I will never forget this”

“Well at least lets have a few bottles of wine and try take our minds off it.”

“You know I got fired the day too.”

“You are fucking kidding me, did that prick chuck you out.”

“Cause of that video.”

“They canny dae that fucking take them to court.”

“oh aye and tell them he fired me cause I have a video of myself wrapping papers roon my legs cause of the skitters.”

“Anyway right am coming over we are getting on it. Ge me an hour.”

Mary hung up the phone and tossed it on the rug, she stood up yanking off her work trousers and top, pulled down her knickers and the belt wrapped around her waist she bought on Ebay that was supposed to make her look slim, what a load of shite, she stood there naked for a moment looking at herself in the mirror, doing a little turn. She tapped her left tit, then held the other up and let it drop

“When did you turn into bean bags,” she said to herself and looked down at her steak-bake. She needed to trim, tuffs of ginger pubes sprouted out all over like the head of Ron Wesley from Harry potter, she sighed and stuck her fingers up at it

“This is all your fault you ken that. Fucking mind of your own.”

*

The wine went down a treat, reluctantly Mary had one glass of bucky and then the bottle and moved on to some stella (classy chick)

“That top you got on is fucking nice,” Emma said sipping her blue wicked

“Aye its designer, Diesel cost me a bomb but its worth it I look gid,” Mary took another swig her lips black like the colour of a junkies carpet, she was acting like she had forgot all about that video, but it was racing through he head every second. How many had seen it now? Then something else struck her, making her choke and gag on her tonic, what if her mum or dad had seen it? They did not even know what facebook was but surly someone could tell them, oh god, that thought alone made her inside churn she heaved and was almost sick, Emma patting her back.

“You drink that too fast.”

“aye went down the wrong hole,” Mary said and Emma laughed

“I wish something would go down my wrong hole.”

Mary laughed, her laugh was unlike anything you would have heard before she snorted like a pig and then began wheezing like she was taking an asthma attack, more than once she had been pounced on by randoms in pubs or at the cinema they all thought she was taking some kind of stroke. And on more than one occasion she had been arrested for knocking what ever son of a whore touched her. She hated people she did not no touching her. Unless she was out her tits and horny, then the rule was: back the fuck off.

“Last time I had a decent shag was fucking 1843,” Emma said “honest, my fanny looks like a moudly bit of mothers-pride breed. Pan breed. Deed down there.”

“Well bat man lives in mine,” Said Mary “fuckers set up a wee hoose in there and won’t come out.”

“well least you got a big hunky guy inside you, all I got is four fingers and a cucumber.”

“Cucumber fur a hole like yours don’t kid yerself hen, you could swally a water melon and have room for more.”

“You cheeky bitch my fairy is as tight as a parrots beak.”

“Aye, aye, tight as Ebanezer Scrooges purse strings, yer as loose as a rubber ring.”

“Aye well you got a cheek with an arse like that.”

The conversation stopped dead

“Wit the fucks that supposed to mean!”

Emma gulped “was a joke.”

“Naw you took that too far, you’re saying I got something wrong with my bum?”

“Naw! Am fucking kidding we are taking the piss.” she laughed nervously and shifted on the chair.

“Its not funny!” Mary lunged up from the couch “Ok, so I got a loose ring big, deal, so wit I shat myself, baby’s do it all the time, do people film them and post it on the web, NAW! Why the fuck is it ok for a wee screaming bastard wane to shite there drawers but not me. eh. Eh tell me!”

Emma shurgged “I don’t no.”

Mary sat back down, gulping some more buckfast “You know what fuck this I want to go out.”

“Out. Out as in town?”

“Naw out of my fucking mind, of course the town, I’m no sitting in this hoose much longer am going crack up I need something to take my mind off it.”

Emma grabbed her hand bag off the floor and fiddled with the inside yanking out lip gloss and foundation and some tampons then she held out a small bag of white pills

Mary’s eyes bulged “is that what I think it is?”

Emma grinned “Well if you think this is a ticket to a one stop mind fuck chew yer jaw night of fun then you would be correct.”

Mary swiped the bag out her hands and shook it.

“There’s only four.”

“There new, never been out yet, got them off my brother he said there strong as fuck you only need about half.”

Mary took one of the pills out the bag and held it up to her eyes. “wit they called.”

“KerryKatonas” Emma said

Mary flung it into her mouth

“No, only take half there too strong.”

“Oh fuck up I took a dozen of these at T in the park last year.”

“Is that the time you thought Lady Gaga had stole yer flask of tea.”

“She fucking did steal it, I left it there in the tent and that freaky poker-face bitch took it.”

“You were on mushys.”

“Naw she took it. Pokerface I wid poke her fucking eye balls out that flask thief.”

“How long do these take to kick in?”

“Not long my brother said there the best you can get.”

“well it better hurry up I want too forget this day ever happened.” she stuck her fingers in the bag pulled out another one but before Emma could tell her to stop she rolled it onto the end of her tongue and swallowed.

“That’s no a good idea,” Emma said taking the bag back.

“Oh you worry too much, I got enough on my plate to have a break from this.” She downed the rest of her bucky and wiped her lips “if any cunt is cheeky to me the night I am going end up in fanny-hill jail. I’m no in the mood. Right phone a taxi. Let’s get on it like a fat bird glued to a car bonnet.”

Fifty shades of Scotland: the Mary Rash story

chapter two:

NUTELLA ARSE 

 

That cunt! That fucking low life scum bag, tiny maggot dicked, piss-himself cant-get-it-up-SHIT HEAD, waste of spunk. Mary flung her phone across the bedroom, the back of her Samsung shattering and the battery bouncing back off the wall, stotting her right between the eyes.

Ouch!” she howled falling back and tripping over Henry the hover and giving herself another egg sized lump to the back of the head. She really was a clumsy cow.

There had been some shocking texts in her time, some from boyfriends saying it was over, well more along the lines of “get to fuck hen” or texts saying she had not paid her tv licence in ten years and was being taken to court, there had once been a text saying she had one the lottery and needed to reply within an hour, which she did, only to find out the cheating bastards charged her £300 quid on her next bill. Fuck you 02 there was more chance of her growing a dick and a tash and calling herself Big Bob than her dishing out cash to pay that. Black list me all you want suckers!

Kiss my lady lips,” she told the harsh Indian women on the other end when they called asking why the bill has not been settled

the women on the other end had no idea what she was talking about, and kept saying her name wrong, instead of Mary she said “Miss Gravy” which only provoked Mary into screaming

LISTEN HERE YE FUCKING CUNT WINCHER ANY MARE OF YER CHEEK AND I WILL DEFLATE YER TITS YOU KIN SING FUR THAT MONEY NOW BOLT BACK TO BOLLYWOOD!”

They never did call back. these days she would be lucky to get a mars bar in her name. Fucking credit checks

But back to this text! The texts to end all texts. The message was from her pal Emma, She clicked it thinking it was going to be another one of these pointless pictures, like a cat doing the OMG face but instead it was a picture of a girl, HERSELF, bent over her bare ass cheeks shown, dripping with shit, the words NUTELLA GIRL across the top

Check this dirty bitch out,” Emma said in the text, “can you imagine if that happened to you?”

Mary had never felt this way before, it was as if her fanny had turned into a microwave, the heat wafting from her steak-bake shot up her body turning her face into a bright red beetroot. But she acted quickly and texted back “LOL, what a dirty bitch.”

It was just a picture, that random she brought home must have snapped it when she was cleaning up the mess, she had to look on the positive, you could not see her face.

Thank the lord for that. Mary didn’t believe in god, anyone who sat in the clouds and watched people, was clearly a perv, she always imagined him in a gold tracsuit with a cigar like that filthy old bastard Jimmy Savil, burn in hell!

If she had the power of Jesus she would turn the bath water into wine and lay in a tub full of buckfast, all night, and she would make that fucking random drunken fucker pay for what he did. She got ready for work, and was kept in mild satisfaction going over the vicious ways he could be killed in her mind.

They were glaring right at her, she was not imagining it this, she had the habit of being paranoid, especially if she had been out the night before and popped some of those tenner eccay’s, which made her jaw hang out like an Ikea ledge, but no they were staring at her. Where she sat in the call centre she could see everyone else, and every single person in the office today kept shooting her funny glances, that bitch Sally, who always got high sales and talked like she was from Beverly hills, even though Mary knew she had been brought up in the scheme in Kilmarnock and once sucked off her cousin, Dean, for a mix up and and a can of vimto! Who the fuck did she think she was, silly mare, stotting about the office in mini skirts, more make up on than crusty the clown. Mary was sure she was fucking Jim the boss, he was always saying how well she did, and Mary had heard her on the phone that bitch could not sell a thing but still always got her monthly bonus. Sneaky slut.

She came right up to her desk, Mary pressed pause on the computer screen before the call could automatically dial a random punter who she would lie and deceive into disclosing there bank details

Did you have a fun weekend then?” Sally said leaning up on the empty desk beside her.

What the fuck was she playing at, in over 6 months she had not said a word to her, Mary gave her a look of sheer constipation

It was no bad, yours?”

This was what they called light chat, neither were clearly interested in how there weeks went, so why was she here?

What did you do?”

Stayed in watched a film,” Mary lied.

Oh anything good” Sally said and she had a smirk on her face

Nah some shit about Aliens.”

Sally stood up “Oh right well nice chatting” an with that she walked away back to her desk. Mary glared harder, her fore-heed crinkled like a bulldogs baw sack. What the fuck was that about? She had no time to ask, she saw Jim looking at her through the glass door of his office and knew how he hated when the calls were paused, she clicked next call and as the man on the other end said hello she changed her voice and tone, sounding posh and full of life, the opposite to how she felt.

Miss Rash.” Jim’s voice brought Mary from her train of thoughts she was standing in the wee cafeteria making herself a frothy coffee from the machine during the break

Oh hey,” Mary said, a milky rim of froth across her lips.

you got some on your lips,” Jim said and Mary awkwardly wiped it clean with the back of her hand.

There is a slight problem,” Jim said, Mary thought he looked exactly like a circumcised dick, a big shiny bald heed and hardly any neck his knuckles and arms were so hairy that more than once Mary wondered if his mother had fucked king kong.

If its my sales Its just a slow week, sir.”

no it’s erm…” Jim scratched the back of his neck, droplets of sweat trickling down his big shiny red face. Gadz Mary had the urge to spray him down with some bleach. Sweaty bastard. Gave her the fear.

What is it Jim?”

Well it’s that video.”

Mary’s face once again resembled an old wizards baw sack, ever line etched into her skin like it had been drawn on by a felt tip marker

What video?”

Jim shuffled awkwardly on the spot and swallowed.

The video of you that’s online.”

Mary’s heart gave a jolt as if she had just stuck her finger in the plug socket, now she was the one sweating, trickles of it running down her oakster, and now her lady-chewbacca was starting to heat up again, she could feel it flush and gush under her knickers.

W-what video,” her voice faltered.

You mean you’ve not seen it yet?”

What video!” she repeated harder, all airs and graces out the window.

Its all over the web you -” before he could finish Mary snatched her phone out her pocket, it was wrapped in sellotape to keep in together and the front screen was cracked but she hit in her password: badbitch4life: and clicked on the facebook icon.

980 friends requests. 2000 mails. WHAT THE FUCK!

Mary clicked on her home page, and felt her belly drop, there it was her face frozen in the video, she pressed the play icon letting the phone buffer for a moment

come on you piece of fucking shit,” she noticed people around her were gathering but she did not give a fuck the video started to play. She watched as she was filmed running to the bathroom, shit all over her legs and splashes off it shooting over the place, she watched as the random turned the camera to his own face and said “shagged her so hard she shite herself” then in the background Mary heard herself screaming

I CANNY GET RID OF THE SKITTERS!” then she steps out of the bathroom not even noticing he is filming and starts to grab chunks of catliter from the tray by the bed, where her cat Sooty used and rubs them off her skin

it will soak up the shite!” she heard herself say “ Dont just lie there you lazy cunt grab me some of that daily record and wrap it roon ma legs!” then the video ends with the random zooming into marys face freezes and the words NUTELLA ARSE and below it.

Mary froze,just staring the phone, then she looked up everyone from the office was looking at her, as if she had just stepped out a spaceship.

Some dvd night in that was,” Sally said appearing from behind her with a swish of her hair, “must have been a shit night.” she tossed back her head and laughed looking at the others “get what I did there shit night, because she shat herself,” she laughed harder, everyone else was too awkward to laugh, “Well look on the bright side,” Sally went mascara streaming down her face “You’ve went viral, give it a day and you will be on you’ve been framed. I think you get £200 quid for-” WHACK!

Sally’s front tooth came shooting out of her mouth. Mary pulled her clenched fist back and then punched again this time Sally fell back on her arse and did not move

ANY YOU CUNTS GOT SOMETHING TO SAY EH!” Mary screamed, froth foaming at the corners of her mouth like a rabid dug. “Moan then fuckers tell me — laugh at me.”

No one did, Jim looked at her his mouth opening and closing and then before he could even string together a sentence Mary tore her scottish power name badge off and lobbed it as his face

Ram you’re job up your holes yer all a bunch of stuck up wankers!” And with that she stormed out of the cafeteria, nothing but but revenge on her mind.

Fifty shades of Scotland: The Mary Rash story

CHAPTER ONE

A FART IN THE NIGHT

“It’s clean I gave it a scrub earlier,” Mary said as the random she just picked up outside the chippy took a great big whiff of her fanny.

“You could have shaved it hen,” the guy said yanking at a tuff of her curly pubes “looks like a jackson five fucking afro down here.” he laughed but she slapped his hand away and sat up covering her lady chewbacca with her hands.

“I never had time to shave, and plus if it bothers you that much then there’s the fuckingdoor. I’m no messing about here aw night. It’s just sex in and out then I get you a taxi back up the road.”

“Fur fuck sake hen, calm you’re knickers was only having a laugh,” he got up and sat on the edge of the bed. “I said i’d pump ye, but am trying to get in the mood. You know a bit of fucking role play. spice it up, than the usual random shag.” he puffed out his cheeks looking defeated, “I want to make you remember this night forever, so when I leave you aching you will always say Big Tommy the fucking MAD MC OF UDDINGSTON renovated my hoose and broke my back doors off there hinges.” He laughed at his joke, a big glob of spit dangling doon his chin, he just let it dangle there till it hit the matress.

Mary gagged and tried not to boke she could feel that half pizza supper coming back to haunt her and fur fuck sake what did she think of gobbling down ten pickled eggs in a waner, she had not expected to pull anyone tonight, her plan was something deep fried and saltty, a bottle of bucky and a something shit on the telly but now here he was her supposed knight in shining armour, more like knight in shining trcksuit. He was wearing a kappa tracksuit with a leecocksportif jacket, his hair gelled down and a big gold chain. who the fuck did he think he was … snoop dog? She turned away trying not to focus on his one snaggle black tooth or the big scar running doon his face or the fact he smelt like a wet dog.

“Well you wanting to hurry up then!” she said laying back down on the bed trying to look seductive, a finger on the edge of her lip, like one of those play girl bunnys she saw in them pornos online

He moved up towards her running his rough hand across her belly, he sqeezed her left tit then grabbed it harder and gave it a yank.

“Ouch ya prick!” she elbowed him in the ribs, “its a fucking boob not a fucking stress ball, gentle does it you got a pare of hawn’s on ye like the fucking hulk, you could sand paper ma flares wae these bad bois”

“Man’s hands, hen,” he said moving up to kiss her. “you ken what they say about a man with big hawns darling.”

Aye,” she said, “fucking big gloves.”

There lips met, dry skin on dry skin, before she had a chance to rotate her head he grabbed the back of her’s and started doing what can best be descbied as a lizard swallowing a fly tecqine in her gob she yamked her head back, his spit streaming down her chin.

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF MAGGY THATCHERS DEED BODY WAS THAT!”

“a snog,” he said rather proudly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand

“That wiznea a snog you just about took my fucking face off, I wanted a kiss not a fucking lick out, you’re tounge hit the back of my tonsils. We’re you a mutha-fucking-chicken feeding her young?”

“I got told i wiz a good kisser!” he said defensivly

Fae who?”

all the lassies up ma way.”

Well all these lassies must have gobs like a blue whale, you need to take you’re time stop sticking your tounge in like that. Listen just you lay doon there and let me get the mood started.”

He lay flat on his back, high fiving the wall like he had just won the lottery “fucking yeshhhh” he said to himself

She felt flattered, he was a rotter, one of those ones you’d wake up in the morning and think you had been raped by the cast of monster inc but he had a dick that’s aw that mattered.

She yanked down his kegs, cheap George asda boxxies, white she noticed piss stains down the front, yellow splodes of shame. Gadz a fuck, what a clatty prick. She yanked them right off and stared then she laughed and couldent stop.

what!” he said sitting up

nothing,” Mary tried to control herself but she saw his winky again and started crying. She had seen many a dick in her time, she had been filled more times than a gregs jam dounght but this was someting else, it looked like there was more baw than dick. Just two saggy bits of pubes and a tiny wee stud, like a button mushroom you’d chuck in yer fry up, so you think your getting a wee bit of your five a day

it’s no the size that counts” he said angirly.

Aye, well clearly,” Mary said, “is your dad one of the seven dwarfs.”

Oi ya fucing cheeky cow, its no that wee.”

Mary flicked it with her finger and buckled

Am sorry….honestly……it will look better when its hard i bet.”

IT IS FUCKING HARD YA DOBBER!” he roared, eyes bulging out his head

Mary could not control herself any longer she gave his baby-cock one last ping and fell off the bed on the floor in a fit of laughter it was then it happened………….

she farted, a little fart but that was not the problem its what happened next the fart became a shart and warm skitters started to run down her inner leg, she stuck a hand down the back of her knickers and pulled them back the tips of her glued on nails were covered in shite.

She knelt up trying not to stand up so the shite widnea run furhter

did you just -” the random stopped he was looking down at her from the edge of the bed “what the fucks that- … oh my fucking gawd did you shite yer self hen!”

Mary’s face was beetroot red she stood up too quick, shit shot out of her and hit the bed and some landed on the guys face, he fell back screaming like it was acid clutching at his open mouth as some of it dripped in Mary tried to run to the toilet but she slipped on her own puddle of poo fell back and cracked her skull aff the back of a twelve inch didlo poking out from under the bed.

Fur fuck sake she thought, as she lay there shite running out her, tears rolling doon her face, and the back of her heed throbbing, all this for her hole. She was aff it!

She hoped to fucking god, known of this shite ended up on facebook the morra;

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 39 other followers