A BAD TRIP
She felt fine. The pills were clearly shit, or maybe Mary had the liver of an ox and nothing worked on her these days, on more than one occasion she had trashed her flat looking for booze on midnight benders, finding nothing she resorted to downing shots of mouth wash or window-leen, all for the shite’s and giggles (the shite’s was a sore point for her right now) she did not like thinking of her loose bum hole at a time like this she wondered if maybe she needed to call up channel four and ask to see the embarrassing body doctor, oh god. Was that damn, facebook video, still out there, were people still watching clicking it off and on, up and down quicker, than Katy price’s knickers at a Peter Andre concert. She promised she would not look, she logged off it and focused on the night ahead.
“You’re eyes are all rid,” Emma said looking at her as they got into the taxi.
Mary rubbed them with the back of her finger.
“You tripping out yer nut?” Emma said and laughed
“Naw, I feel fine those pills are-” her words got lodged there in Mary’s throat, her whole body was plunged into an icy prickle, like electricity running up her spine, her lady-chewbaca fluttered and she was sure it made a sound like a fat bitch slurping the dregs from a milkshake. She stared at her hand, there was 19 fingers, something was not right there, 19 did she always have 19 fingers? And why was her legs now that of a goat, her feet stuck In those heels had turned grey and there was hoofs. A big pair of fucking HOOFS! HOOFS fur fuck sake.
“Fuck a duck,” she said turning to Emma, “I think I am out my tits.”
The town was packed, the first pub they went to try the bouncer, a fat black man stopped Mary dead at the door.
“Yer no gonna I.D me are ye,” she laughed, trying to stop her jaw rattling, the world was bright purple and every time she blinked the bouncers faced turn into a giant grinning dogs, asking for a bone.
“Not tonight lady’s,” the bouncer said
“And why the fuck no,” Mary said.
“Its fine forget it there’s plenty of other places,” Emma said
“you’ve had too much to drink,” the bouncer went on.
“I’ve had nothing I am one hundred percent sober, yer clearly a blind cunt.” she stepped towards him, her tongue flicking out her mouth like a lizard trying to catch a fly. “you are discriminating against my disability.”
The black man pulled a face, a flicker of concern washed over him
“Your not disabled.”
“How the fuck do you ken that,” Mary snapped, “I got…. ……Fluttery-flang-eat-itus”
The bouncer scrunched his face up
“its rare, effects one in a million it means I cant control myself when I do things like this-” she slapped both sides of the bouncers cheeks, spat on his jumper and screamed “lets see your black pudding.”
The bouncer grabbed her by the arms pinning her against the wall
“Un hand me you yob,” Mary screamed in a voice like an 18th century Victorian “help, help me, this vagabond will not unhand me, I be but a lady who be looking for a quite rest on a weary journey will no gentleman come to my rescue.”
Emma was laughing but it only encouraged Mary more.
“Hes touching my hanging-basket,” Mary screamed, “get your big fat chubby fingers out my fucking mince round!”
The bouncer let her go and nudged her with his elbow
“Get the fuck out of here you’re not right in the head lady.”
Mary snorted like a pig three time.
“Not right in the heed,” she repeated in a deep voice, “not right in the fucking heed,” she grabbed her hair and began messing it looking like an Amy Winehouse bee hive, “LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME WOMEN IN DI-STRESS!” she yanked her dress up past her knees and started doing a little dance “WOMEN IN DA-DRESS!” Emma was laughing and Mary was now kicking her legs like the river dance folk, and asking random people In the cue if they wanted to see her four leaf clover. The sound of the police echoed in the distance. Immediately Mary stopped grabbed her heels and dragged Emma by the arm down the long alleyway, looking back and howling like some mad psycho bitch “YER NO WILL SMITH YA FUCKING TAMPON!”
Paradise was the name of the club, ironic for such a shit hole, it might have been the oldest club in the world, but also it had less-rules and the bouncers here really let you off with murder, there was a cue of under-age’s waiting with there fake I.Ds Mary glared at one lassie as she nudged up the cue and said
“Ye don’t even have a set of tits yit hen, who the fuck you kidding.”
People were calling out names as Emma stepped up to the bouncer
“Me and my friend here, Barry thanks,” the bouncer winked at her and let her pass without another word.
“See that,”Mary said turning to the enraged crowd, “that’s what you call fucking service, enjoy the cold ya bunch of fucking bastards.” she gave them the middle finger and swaggered in past the bouncer.
The smell hit her first, musty, like old gum shoes, she clapped a hand to her ear, thinking it was her nose,the pills working over time.
“Can you hear that?” she called out over the pounding music
“Here what”? Said Emma
“Baby’s screaming and there’s a dragon sitting on that bar over there in a pair of my frilly knickers. Why the fuck would they let a dragon in here? and why the fuck is it now tap dancing and asking that guy for a pair of speedo’s. We all ken dragons canny swim”
Emma tried not to laugh
“holy fuck those pills are lethal.”
“Nah I don’t feel a thing,” Mary lied, walking in slow motion, stopping then patting the air in front of air as if there was an invisible wall there stopping her way. “Do you have the key?”
“for the fucking door in front of me.”
Emma made a face but decided to go with it
“Aye sure, here.” she pretend to hand over a fake key, Mary took it and unlocked the invisible door walked in and smiled and began screaming “I got the key. I got the secret. I got the key to this shitty place.”
The bar was packed, Emma kept whispering in Mary’s ear that she needed to act normal and stop trying to lick her earlobes, Mary kept saying “I’m fine.” over and over and each time her jaw clenched and her eye balls rolled to there whites like she was about to tomb stone pile driver some cunt straight out the WWE. Undertaker style.
They got some vodka and shots and Mary glared around at the people staring at her.
“wits all your problems,” she yelled out
“Just ignore them,” Emma said looking out across the dance floor, a sea of half naked people grinding up againt each other to hardcore dance music.
“State of them,” Mary groaned, “looks like a pack of fucking monkey’s out the zoo.” she leaned forward over the little railing and spat on the dance floor “I came in like a wrecking ball, yer fanny smells like an awful pong.” she laughed to herself “that cunt on Facebook is hilarious.”
“No talent in here tonight,” said Emma, looking out at the bobbing heads.
“Talent. Fucking Scotland aint got talent. If I was a judge i’d buzz every one of these cunts out cold. And tell big Amanda bo-tox fore-heed to lick my hole,” said Mary.
“You are one of a kind, the shit you come out with is unreal.”
“Fucking damn right, the world better remember my name,” Mary tossed her hands over her head and screamed “MARY, ANNE, FOSTER, RASH, WIZ HERE. TAKE A BIG WHIFF.!”
At that exact moment the music stopped.
Everyone was looking at Mary. Looking at her like Jesus Christ himself had decided to cover himself in neon-paint and start a rave. Some of them were whispering and then after a long awkward moment someone yelled out.
“Your that lassie from Facebook?”
Mary’s face burnt red, her mouth opened and closed, the eccay’s now surging through her system made it look like she was chewing on an ever-lasting-gob-stopper.
Someone else yelled out “is that the lassie who shat herself.”
and on that note half the club started to yell out “Nutella ass.”
Mary felt as if someone was sitting on her chest, big mamma’s house pressing those fat cheeks down stopping her breathing, she gripped hold of the metal railing and tried to decipher what was real, every time she blinked the dance floor would turn into a horde of zombies and then change back into normal faces. This was a bad trip.
She tried to say something, to argue this case, to say she was not the girl that it was a mistake but instead the rush of class A’s surged through her veins and instead she yelled out
“THERE IS FUCK ALL WRONG WITH MY NUTELLA ARSE!”
The entire club buckled with laughter, the bar staff were laughing some people taking pictures. Emma was pulling at Mary’s arm trying to get her out of here.
“Come on Mary, let’s just get a taxi back up the road.”
But Mary was having non of it, she yanked her arm free.
“Listen you bunch of fucking black-toothed fuck wits, I don’t give a flying pack of winged-monkeys what you got to say about me or my big broon ass but if you wanna square go me then bring it on. I am like a shark in water. Circle fucking go. Come on”
Silence…..the club was utterly silent and then someone yelled out
“I want a picture with you hen, yer a legend.”
“NUTELLA ARSE YER FAMOUS HEN!”
“Any chance you can take a shite and let me film it!”
What happened next, in years to come Mary would still never understand, she dived head first over the railing, like someone in a rock concert diving into the unknown danger of the mosh pit. She landed on top of some blonde girl, her big white horse teeth sticking out her mouth like a row of bricks. Mary swiftly head butted her face, turned to the nearest person, but they were no longer people they were zombies, arms out, teeth grunting wanting her flesh.
“You aint eating me ya crusty cunts!” She flung her fist out at the nearest zombie, smashing him on the side of the head, then the next came at her to pin her down but she grabbed him in a head lock and landed on the ground, his face smashing straight off the floor, his nose exploding in a puddle of dark, thick, blood.
“COME ON THEN”
“Mary what the fuck!” Emma ran by her side grabbing her but in her drug fuelled rage she did not see her friend, she saw a demon, red skin a forked tail, horns, she lashed out grabbed it by the neck and throwing it across the dance floor. And then she sprang back to her feet, there was too many of them she glanced back
“YOU WONT HAVE MY SOUL FUCKERS”
She burst out of the fire exit, the sound of the alarm flooding the place she looked down the long ally way, left then right and then ran for it. She came out into the busy street, people walking past her holding each other drunk, she could hear people yelling her name behind, she did not want to be one of those things, life was hard, but being a fucking lapdog to the devil was harder. No fucking thanks.
She moved down the street, paranoia taking over, every face she saw had that of a demon, red eyes and skin peeling from there body, she needed to get home, somehow she knew if she was home everything would be —– bang.
Mary fell back and landed on her ass.
“Watch where you are going you—-holy fuck its you.” the man extended his hand and pulled Mary to her feet. Mary took a moment to realise who it was and then his face came into focus,the drugs settling in her system. It was the random she had picked up on her first night, the cunt who put that video on Facebook.
Small world it seems.
“YOU!” Mary spat.
“Before you go off on one, just so you no I never posted that video, some one stole my phone and went through it and must have found it.”
“you filmed it!”
“Aye, but it was never gonna be out there, it was just for me.”
Mary had the urge to knock him out, her fingers clenched tight into a fist and she visualised his nose breaking by her hand, but then another little voice came into her head, the sly little voice of something evil
revenge it said softly and Mary felt herself grinning
“You know what babe its not a big deal,” she said
The man frowned
“aye, its honestly fine, don’t bother me,” she pressed her hand on his arm “pity me and you never got down to fucking that night.”
He grinned showing off some missing teeth
“Aye, I was right up for unleashing the light-sabre on yer yabba-the-hut”
She smiled, it took ever effort she had not to boke up her guts at this face.
“Why don’t me and you go back to mine and -” she grabbed him by the crotch, “show you how much I love this.”
“I knew you were into me,” he said and put his arm around her neck “lead the way, I am going show you how the fuck the lassies doon my way call the the destroyer.”
Mary forced another fake grin as they headed for a taxi, her mind working over time on the terrible things she was going to do. The drugs kept seeping in and out her body making her see things that were not real, but one thing was for sure, one thing she would not budge from her mind now. This fucker was going to pay for what he did.
Revenge a dish best served, Mary Rash style